So here we are, a new year and a new decade. Hello 2020, come what may. Once again I have to start my post off with a "yeah it's been a while since the last one" when I had "nothing to say" then "something to say". Now let me tell you about how 2019 ended...
But before I begin, I just finished reading all the posts I've ever posted. Now that sounds pretty stuck up but trust me when I say that I cringed at 16 years old I's writing. I had way too much fascination with extroverts and introverts (though psychology and personality are still fascinating to me) and some truly horrifying vernacular that I haven't used in ages ... Anway. I had three reactions to my old writing:
1. Cringe
2. I don't know if that one's right chief. (I don't think there's any major heresy but there are a few things I'd change.)
3. Dang, younger me had some pretty darn good ideas that despite writing myself I've forgotten.
As I read over them for the first time in a very long time, some of them 3 years old. I think back to who I was and who I am today; I can see the growth and grace that God has put in my life and the change that only He can bring. But sadly I still struggle with so many of the same things.
To recap the last two years I've been waist-deep in depression, anxiety and guilt. To make matters worse for about a year and a half I had the most spiritually dry time of my life. I still believed but I was beyond the definition of luke-warm; I was frozen cold. I had given up and was living numbly one day at a time and avoided church anytime I could help it with no sign or intention of changing that.
But God wasn't done with me.
In October I finally could take no more, I'm blessed to say that I've never been suicidal but I truly was at an extremely low point; something had to give. I'd been completely isolated from God's people and not at all involved at my church. I had been avoiding professional counseling for so long because I knew it wouldn't be easy. I was lonely like I'd never been because it's true what they say that you can't live the Christian life without a strong community supporting you.
So in mid-October, I started spending time with God in the mornings and decided to make some changes in my life.
I joined the Baptist Collegiate Ministry (BCM) at Virginia Tech. I'd visited it several times before but in my spiritual dryness I only went when a friend invited me but at last, I was sick of having no brothers and sisters in Christ around.
I finally found a professional counselor and have been making great strides with my mental health and therefore my walk with God and life in general. (I'm by no means free of depression or anxiety but compared to where I've been by God's grace I'm far better.)
I chose to transfer to Liberty Online this coming semester where I'll be pursuing a Biblical studies certificate and then, hopefully, a bachelor's in accounting.
Since joining BCM I've had the privilege of attending two conferences (including Passion 2020 which was absolutely incredible), lots of Bible studies and have met some truly special people. (You know who you are if you read this)
Now that's all well and good but what's really changed inside me? Well, I'm glad you asked that question! (you see this is amusing because I'm asking the questions here. You fine readers will simply see this in the future :P)
I've been relearning so much. So much that I already knew, things I used to think were so simple I didn't need to remember them because they were beneath me, I had outgrown them.
But I've come to learn that most of the Christian life is a lot of reminding yourself of simple truths. God loves you. Jesus died for you. In Christ, we have all we need for the rest of eternity. It's not about making a big impact, it's about being faithful in the little things. All of the little things because it turns out life isn't a Disney movie... Oh, how I wish it were. And I actually believe it is, but the truth is this is God's story. It's far more beautiful than any Disney movie and a key difference is that it's playing out over thousands of years (or simply each person's entire lifetime) rather than being condensed into two hours.
I've come to see that everyday life is pretty mundane, we get up, we do the same things most days and the monotony of it becomes unbearable. But a friend said to me something like "there's a beauty in the simplicity of our lives." I think life can beautiful, we just need to lose ourselves and let God shine through.
But God doesn't leave us hanging in the boredom of it all. He graciously has given us good things like relationships, music, movies, you name it. And He gave us emotions.
That sounds dangerous, doesn't it? Well sure, emotions are great at sending us hurtling off in the wrong direction or completely paralyzing us. And I know all too well how easy it is to sit on my thumbs and do nothing.
But I'm not talking about letting our emotions guide our actions. I'm talking about using your emotions to your advantage. We have to romanticize it all. What the heck do I mean by that? To be honest, I'm still working on it myself, but I think it's very important, important enough to share. Rather than always waiting on big things to happen, just rejoice in the small things. Realize God sees you, He honors the sacrifices we make for Him and even when it's hard (which for me is pretty much every day) just try to change your perspective.
I've learned to just ask myself "why do I feel this way?" Or use whatever applies to the situation. When I start feeling depressed I can (sometimes) talk a bit about it (whether I talk to someone else or pray), get some things off my chest and then just realize I don't have to let it win. In Christ, we have victory over death so surely He can handle a little depression right? He does, has and will. And even if I can't get all my emotional ducks in a row getting busy helps. Being on a schedule, having things to do every day, a good sleep schedule seems to be pretty important (who knew? ;))
What comes next? (I'm full of good questions!... Or should I say... Fuller xD)
I hope to keep working on improving myself, taking things as they come with patience and trust in God. I'm working on surrendering control over my life (news flash: I'm a control freak when it comes to my life). Taking baby steps instead of biting off more than I can chew, being less hard on myself and realizing I'm right where God wants me. Realizing that while I can't sit on my hands all day, God doesn't expect us to be at our church 24/7.
You see, we don't have to theologians ever growing in knowledge, sanctification or perfection. The Christian life is simply reminding yourself every day of Who God is and who you are in Christ, seeing yourself the way God sees you. We won't move a mountain every single day, but every single day God is working. Even when we can't see it.
Thanks for reading :)
Zachary
But before I begin, I just finished reading all the posts I've ever posted. Now that sounds pretty stuck up but trust me when I say that I cringed at 16 years old I's writing. I had way too much fascination with extroverts and introverts (though psychology and personality are still fascinating to me) and some truly horrifying vernacular that I haven't used in ages ... Anway. I had three reactions to my old writing:
1. Cringe
2. I don't know if that one's right chief. (I don't think there's any major heresy but there are a few things I'd change.)
3. Dang, younger me had some pretty darn good ideas that despite writing myself I've forgotten.
As I read over them for the first time in a very long time, some of them 3 years old. I think back to who I was and who I am today; I can see the growth and grace that God has put in my life and the change that only He can bring. But sadly I still struggle with so many of the same things.
To recap the last two years I've been waist-deep in depression, anxiety and guilt. To make matters worse for about a year and a half I had the most spiritually dry time of my life. I still believed but I was beyond the definition of luke-warm; I was frozen cold. I had given up and was living numbly one day at a time and avoided church anytime I could help it with no sign or intention of changing that.
But God wasn't done with me.
In October I finally could take no more, I'm blessed to say that I've never been suicidal but I truly was at an extremely low point; something had to give. I'd been completely isolated from God's people and not at all involved at my church. I had been avoiding professional counseling for so long because I knew it wouldn't be easy. I was lonely like I'd never been because it's true what they say that you can't live the Christian life without a strong community supporting you.
So in mid-October, I started spending time with God in the mornings and decided to make some changes in my life.
I joined the Baptist Collegiate Ministry (BCM) at Virginia Tech. I'd visited it several times before but in my spiritual dryness I only went when a friend invited me but at last, I was sick of having no brothers and sisters in Christ around.
I finally found a professional counselor and have been making great strides with my mental health and therefore my walk with God and life in general. (I'm by no means free of depression or anxiety but compared to where I've been by God's grace I'm far better.)
I chose to transfer to Liberty Online this coming semester where I'll be pursuing a Biblical studies certificate and then, hopefully, a bachelor's in accounting.
Since joining BCM I've had the privilege of attending two conferences (including Passion 2020 which was absolutely incredible), lots of Bible studies and have met some truly special people. (You know who you are if you read this)
Now that's all well and good but what's really changed inside me? Well, I'm glad you asked that question! (you see this is amusing because I'm asking the questions here. You fine readers will simply see this in the future :P)
I've been relearning so much. So much that I already knew, things I used to think were so simple I didn't need to remember them because they were beneath me, I had outgrown them.
But I've come to learn that most of the Christian life is a lot of reminding yourself of simple truths. God loves you. Jesus died for you. In Christ, we have all we need for the rest of eternity. It's not about making a big impact, it's about being faithful in the little things. All of the little things because it turns out life isn't a Disney movie... Oh, how I wish it were. And I actually believe it is, but the truth is this is God's story. It's far more beautiful than any Disney movie and a key difference is that it's playing out over thousands of years (or simply each person's entire lifetime) rather than being condensed into two hours.
I've come to see that everyday life is pretty mundane, we get up, we do the same things most days and the monotony of it becomes unbearable. But a friend said to me something like "there's a beauty in the simplicity of our lives." I think life can beautiful, we just need to lose ourselves and let God shine through.
But God doesn't leave us hanging in the boredom of it all. He graciously has given us good things like relationships, music, movies, you name it. And He gave us emotions.
That sounds dangerous, doesn't it? Well sure, emotions are great at sending us hurtling off in the wrong direction or completely paralyzing us. And I know all too well how easy it is to sit on my thumbs and do nothing.
But I'm not talking about letting our emotions guide our actions. I'm talking about using your emotions to your advantage. We have to romanticize it all. What the heck do I mean by that? To be honest, I'm still working on it myself, but I think it's very important, important enough to share. Rather than always waiting on big things to happen, just rejoice in the small things. Realize God sees you, He honors the sacrifices we make for Him and even when it's hard (which for me is pretty much every day) just try to change your perspective.
I've learned to just ask myself "why do I feel this way?" Or use whatever applies to the situation. When I start feeling depressed I can (sometimes) talk a bit about it (whether I talk to someone else or pray), get some things off my chest and then just realize I don't have to let it win. In Christ, we have victory over death so surely He can handle a little depression right? He does, has and will. And even if I can't get all my emotional ducks in a row getting busy helps. Being on a schedule, having things to do every day, a good sleep schedule seems to be pretty important (who knew? ;))
What comes next? (I'm full of good questions!... Or should I say... Fuller xD)
I hope to keep working on improving myself, taking things as they come with patience and trust in God. I'm working on surrendering control over my life (news flash: I'm a control freak when it comes to my life). Taking baby steps instead of biting off more than I can chew, being less hard on myself and realizing I'm right where God wants me. Realizing that while I can't sit on my hands all day, God doesn't expect us to be at our church 24/7.
You see, we don't have to theologians ever growing in knowledge, sanctification or perfection. The Christian life is simply reminding yourself every day of Who God is and who you are in Christ, seeing yourself the way God sees you. We won't move a mountain every single day, but every single day God is working. Even when we can't see it.
Thanks for reading :)
Zachary
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