Convictions

So if you've read my blog you know I'm a perfectionist, and lately my relationship with God has been pretty up and down with more down than up. But this post is about one thing I've learned recently and I hope you can learn from it as well.

For the last year I've struggled a lot with depression and anxiety, a part of that is because God has shown me a lot about myself. Or better yet, since I've been too depressed to have faith (which btw, is an absolutely terrible reason to not have faith. I say it because it's what I did.) I've been running from God and it's showed me a lot of things the perfectionist in me had hidden in pride. And I've made a lot of bad excuses for my despondency out of being too prideful to admit I'm not perfect.

I've written plenty of posts about my perfectionism but this one might be more honest about myself than the others.

When I sin I'm more concerned with being wrong and the guilt than I am with having broken my fellowship with God or even trying to learn from my mistake. Instead of truly repenting and trying to constructively examine my actions, thoughts and motives I just want the guilt to go away. I don't truly want to change I just want to feel better, feel justified even though true repentance brings about change.

I shouldn't be concerned with the fact that I'm not perfect, even though that feels very righteous, true conviction isn't just thinking "oh my that was definitely wrong." That's only half of it, true conviction is also learning how to live, or the way to think, the choice we should make, instead of sinning. If we don't form convictions to live by from reading the Bible then how can we stand by the principals it teaches if it doesn't convict us to change?

And I mean a change in the heart, not just knowing what the Bible says, I know plenty of things the Bible says, but do I live those convictions out? Most of the time I admit that I don't and that needs to change.

So now instead of simply feeling like a terrible person I pray God will bring about true change in my life in His time and power, not my own strength or timing. Instead of not taking responsibility for my actions I pray I will own up to my imperfections because even if I'm not perfect, I'm still a child of God! And He will forgive no matter what!

Thanks for reading,
Zachary