Four months later.... I'm back! But where have I been? Now that's a long depressing story. Basically it comes down to that I've been struggling with depression and anxiety, not doing my quiet time etc. Though I'm not going to go into that much, but more what I've learned. However, first a few details so you have some context and aren't thrown directly into the midst of my writing ;P
(disclaimer: a "few details" for me might be longer than the average person because I talk a lot... but rest assured it's less than the full story xP)
I've always been a perfectionist, I've always been afraid of failure. But why? Why is perfectionism a thing? After all, it seems like a good thing because it causes you to do your best. But for all the wrong reasons. What we should shoot for is excellence through our best efforts. And yet that has never been enough for me. Why? Well selfish pride toots the horn for my own glory but doesn't get the job done.
I've also been going through what are sometimes called "identity issues". Being the perfectionist I am I've always been hard on myself and focused on my failures and mistakes, but lately it's been hyper active. I've never been the best at seeing my talents and gifts (except when pride is talking) and always felt like I'm less than those I'm around, with the people in my life I can see the good but since I can't see it the best in myself it leaves me feeling immature.
But I can feel a deep desire within myself to help, to be there and help/support the people I care about. But I feel insufficient to actually do anything about it....
And that's what I've been thinking about, which with what God has been doing and teaching me through my trial with depression and anxiety lead to the point of this post:
Everyone has gifts and talents - and that echos what we are called to do with our lives. And then manifests itself in our hearts as a yearning, an aching desire/dream to do something. And even if we don't quite know what it is, we know it's there. (we may not know exactly what we're called to do but we still have that yearning to do something) Yet we become paralyzed by a fear that we can't do it or that we aren't good enough to do it. So, we try it our own way, with our own strength. We try to prove that we can do it and fill the hole inside us that's left by that need to help, to do something that lives on after us. It's what the world calls "making a difference" or "making your mark". But it's actually the need to contribute to something that is greater than ourselves. We fail at this because we somehow think it's all on us to complete, we fail simply because we try too hard and think we have to do it 100% right the first time and every time. We fail because we don't want to face the fact that we simply just can't. But if we could just realize that life isn't about us and see that absolutely no one is counting our mistakes except us. And that literally everyone else feels just as insufficient as we do we wouldn't be so afraid.
You see, failure isn't messing up or being wrong sometimes. Our weaknesses and mistakes aren't truly failure - failure is only when we give up or fail to try at all. So, if we could let go of our expectations of glory and let go of our own self-centered pride to never taste defeat, which can actually seem right since God does require perfection. But that's the reason Jesus came, the whole point of grace. God knows our weaknesses and our sins. So He, in love, sent His Son to be our perfect righteousness. He knows we aren't perfect and can't live this life on our own. And that's why He died on the cross, to tell us it's okay to make mistakes. If we let go of perfection and see that we have permission to come up short on our own we can come to this truth:
"I'm a mess but that's okay, I'll make plenty of mistakes but that's fine too. I don't have to be perfect or always know what to say. Because the only thing that matters is this - no matter how many times I fall down, I can do it all to the glory of God."
How to fix that hole in your heart? By realizing that it's not about you! And that can either be a prison or a jailbreak. We fear not knowing what to do/the unknown because "what if this happens?" Or "what about that?" But, again, it's not about you! it's about Christ and we don't have to be perfect to glorify Him. So why are we afraid to make mistakes? It's because we know full well that we will. And rather than make those mistakes we fail to even try. We think our small efforts aren't worth anything because they are far from perfect, but God already sees us as perfect in Christ!
"For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God." - 2 Corinthians 5:21
So even if our efforts are riddled with error it brings Him all the more glory! Because God uses broken things:
"But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong. - 1 Corinthians 1:27
"Jesus looked at them and said, "With man it is impossible, but not with God. For all things are possible with God." - Mark 10:27
"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. - 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
The point of grace is that broken humans are made new - perfect humans make grace cheap. Christ alone died on the cross so He alone is worthy of perfection. And God knows we can't be perfect! All He asks is that we give our best and leave the rest to Him.
Except we are so busy with our lives, jobs and responsibilities etc. trying to make our lives good enough to fill that hole and somehow "impress" God (btw, I tried it. It's a waste of time..) that we forget to make our lives about Him. We so often aim for bigger and better to prove ourselves as "good enough" that we forget the little things in life and completely miss the point:
"He must increase, but I must decrease." - John 3:30
That verse is what fills the hole in our heart. We would try to fill it with our own glory, or 24/7 productivity, or anything else under the sun. But if we would let go of our fears ("There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love." - 1 John 4:18) and stop looking inside to find sufficiency for our lives but instead find our sufficiency in knowing that Christ is enough:
"Not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency is from God, who has made us sufficient to be ministers of a new covenant, not of the letter but of the Spirit. For the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life." - 2 Corinthians 3:5-6
I am convinced that if we do that and let go of our self-centered fears and get our of our own heads, it would radically change our lives and give us true freedom and peace to do the will of God. I read somewhere once that true freedom comes when what you want to do, is what God wants you to do. And what gets in the way of that? It isn't a lack of knowledge, but fear. Fear paralyzes love. But we don't have to let it. It's not about you, it's not about me, lets get our eyes on Christ instead of self:
"Love like I'm not scared
Give when it's not fair
Live life for another
Take time for a brother
Fight for the weak ones
Speak out for freedom
Find faith in the battle
Stand tall but above it all
Fix my eyes on You"
Fix My Eyes - For King & Country
And fear melts in His presence. Fear feels so real, for me when I feel an emotion I have a hard time remembering that I don't have to give into it. It seems like a part of myself and if I don't have any emotion, I would become an empty shell (which is a lie. Emotions are good if they serve you. But if you serve your emotions... Bad things happen) But we don't have to give in:
"We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ" - 2 Corinthians 10:5
I will leave you with this: I know it can be hard, I know that whatever we're facing can feel like it's so much bigger than us. But God has moved heaven and earth to show His love for us. He has wrapped us in the righteousness of Christ and and made us new. So whenever your down and this world has you hurting, turn to Him. He's faithful to never give up on us no matter what. He will do His work through us. Period. End of story:
"And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." Philippians 1:6
"God, He is faithful
Faithful to us
Through troubled waters
He won’t abandon
Fear not!
The Lord God is with us!"
Fear Not - Chris Tomlin
Thanks for reading,
Zachary
(disclaimer: a "few details" for me might be longer than the average person because I talk a lot... but rest assured it's less than the full story xP)
I've always been a perfectionist, I've always been afraid of failure. But why? Why is perfectionism a thing? After all, it seems like a good thing because it causes you to do your best. But for all the wrong reasons. What we should shoot for is excellence through our best efforts. And yet that has never been enough for me. Why? Well selfish pride toots the horn for my own glory but doesn't get the job done.
I've also been going through what are sometimes called "identity issues". Being the perfectionist I am I've always been hard on myself and focused on my failures and mistakes, but lately it's been hyper active. I've never been the best at seeing my talents and gifts (except when pride is talking) and always felt like I'm less than those I'm around, with the people in my life I can see the good but since I can't see it the best in myself it leaves me feeling immature.
But I can feel a deep desire within myself to help, to be there and help/support the people I care about. But I feel insufficient to actually do anything about it....
And that's what I've been thinking about, which with what God has been doing and teaching me through my trial with depression and anxiety lead to the point of this post:
Everyone has gifts and talents - and that echos what we are called to do with our lives. And then manifests itself in our hearts as a yearning, an aching desire/dream to do something. And even if we don't quite know what it is, we know it's there. (we may not know exactly what we're called to do but we still have that yearning to do something) Yet we become paralyzed by a fear that we can't do it or that we aren't good enough to do it. So, we try it our own way, with our own strength. We try to prove that we can do it and fill the hole inside us that's left by that need to help, to do something that lives on after us. It's what the world calls "making a difference" or "making your mark". But it's actually the need to contribute to something that is greater than ourselves. We fail at this because we somehow think it's all on us to complete, we fail simply because we try too hard and think we have to do it 100% right the first time and every time. We fail because we don't want to face the fact that we simply just can't. But if we could just realize that life isn't about us and see that absolutely no one is counting our mistakes except us. And that literally everyone else feels just as insufficient as we do we wouldn't be so afraid.
You see, failure isn't messing up or being wrong sometimes. Our weaknesses and mistakes aren't truly failure - failure is only when we give up or fail to try at all. So, if we could let go of our expectations of glory and let go of our own self-centered pride to never taste defeat, which can actually seem right since God does require perfection. But that's the reason Jesus came, the whole point of grace. God knows our weaknesses and our sins. So He, in love, sent His Son to be our perfect righteousness. He knows we aren't perfect and can't live this life on our own. And that's why He died on the cross, to tell us it's okay to make mistakes. If we let go of perfection and see that we have permission to come up short on our own we can come to this truth:
"I'm a mess but that's okay, I'll make plenty of mistakes but that's fine too. I don't have to be perfect or always know what to say. Because the only thing that matters is this - no matter how many times I fall down, I can do it all to the glory of God."
How to fix that hole in your heart? By realizing that it's not about you! And that can either be a prison or a jailbreak. We fear not knowing what to do/the unknown because "what if this happens?" Or "what about that?" But, again, it's not about you! it's about Christ and we don't have to be perfect to glorify Him. So why are we afraid to make mistakes? It's because we know full well that we will. And rather than make those mistakes we fail to even try. We think our small efforts aren't worth anything because they are far from perfect, but God already sees us as perfect in Christ!
"For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God." - 2 Corinthians 5:21
So even if our efforts are riddled with error it brings Him all the more glory! Because God uses broken things:
"But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong. - 1 Corinthians 1:27
"Jesus looked at them and said, "With man it is impossible, but not with God. For all things are possible with God." - Mark 10:27
"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. - 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
The point of grace is that broken humans are made new - perfect humans make grace cheap. Christ alone died on the cross so He alone is worthy of perfection. And God knows we can't be perfect! All He asks is that we give our best and leave the rest to Him.
Except we are so busy with our lives, jobs and responsibilities etc. trying to make our lives good enough to fill that hole and somehow "impress" God (btw, I tried it. It's a waste of time..) that we forget to make our lives about Him. We so often aim for bigger and better to prove ourselves as "good enough" that we forget the little things in life and completely miss the point:
"He must increase, but I must decrease." - John 3:30
That verse is what fills the hole in our heart. We would try to fill it with our own glory, or 24/7 productivity, or anything else under the sun. But if we would let go of our fears ("There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love." - 1 John 4:18) and stop looking inside to find sufficiency for our lives but instead find our sufficiency in knowing that Christ is enough:
"Not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency is from God, who has made us sufficient to be ministers of a new covenant, not of the letter but of the Spirit. For the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life." - 2 Corinthians 3:5-6
I am convinced that if we do that and let go of our self-centered fears and get our of our own heads, it would radically change our lives and give us true freedom and peace to do the will of God. I read somewhere once that true freedom comes when what you want to do, is what God wants you to do. And what gets in the way of that? It isn't a lack of knowledge, but fear. Fear paralyzes love. But we don't have to let it. It's not about you, it's not about me, lets get our eyes on Christ instead of self:
"Love like I'm not scared
Give when it's not fair
Live life for another
Take time for a brother
Fight for the weak ones
Speak out for freedom
Find faith in the battle
Stand tall but above it all
Fix my eyes on You"
Fix My Eyes - For King & Country
And fear melts in His presence. Fear feels so real, for me when I feel an emotion I have a hard time remembering that I don't have to give into it. It seems like a part of myself and if I don't have any emotion, I would become an empty shell (which is a lie. Emotions are good if they serve you. But if you serve your emotions... Bad things happen) But we don't have to give in:
"We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ" - 2 Corinthians 10:5
I will leave you with this: I know it can be hard, I know that whatever we're facing can feel like it's so much bigger than us. But God has moved heaven and earth to show His love for us. He has wrapped us in the righteousness of Christ and and made us new. So whenever your down and this world has you hurting, turn to Him. He's faithful to never give up on us no matter what. He will do His work through us. Period. End of story:
"And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." Philippians 1:6
"God, He is faithful
Faithful to us
Through troubled waters
He won’t abandon
Fear not!
The Lord God is with us!"
Fear Not - Chris Tomlin
Thanks for reading,
Zachary
I was just listening to "Fix My Eyes" this morning - it's a great song with a good reminder that life isn't about us. Thanks for writing :)
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