"Sometimes I'm okay with God pointing me in the right direction, but most of the time I wish He would just lead me by the hand. Or my ear. Maybe even just drag me along for the ride...."
-Zachary Y. Fuller
After my previous post ("I'm not perfect") you might think things got better... Nope. I let them get worse. I only got as far as giving up perfection, partially. I knew I couldn't have it so I just let the problems and the issues in the mirror fester, I buried them and pushed God away I mean I can't be perfect so why try?
"misssstake" -Kaa from the original Jungle Book (which in my opinion is better than the new version :P)
I didn't want to think cause when I thought it hurt. I didn't want to pray or do quiet time cause that would force me to think.
"misssstake"
I was (and still am) struggling with identity issues, I felt useless and talent-less I knew my identity was (and is) found in Christ but I had pushed Him away and even if I were to let Him back in, what identity would I even find? I got caught up in my problems and pushing God away magnified the ugly parts of the mirror and revealed some self righteous pride, impatience and selfishness.
Ever since I was little I've always had my own "agenda" I wanted to do what I wanted do and messing with my plan didn't go well (when I was younger ;P). So even now I still do that, I make my little plans and then pray that they will happen instead of asking God for the plan and following. I didn't want to admit I needed God to get through the day I wanted my faith to save me, rather than letting God work through me I wanted to work through God.
Since my hospital visit in June I've been waiting for things to go back to normal, but the person who started this past summer (and the months since) that version of normal, is gone. Not that I've really changed but a lot has happened and "normal" isn't going to be the same. It's time to give up wasting time and get serious about seeking God and put Him first and drop what doesn't matter (netflix, video games etc.) Song time! A song that's been on my mind and goes along with this really well - Casting Crowns "thrive" I've been surviving and it slowly dries you up, so it's time to thrive.
I know that that and that alone will solve my problems, yet the problems hold me back. I don't know why I keep letting them I don't want them to yet I still go back and forth, one moment I let God back in and feel better. Then next I'm right back where I started. Confusing right?
I don't know what comes next. I don't know where this path leads but I'm going to give my best to follow God (song time again! "I will follow" Vertical Church Band) even when I have no voice to sing.
It's kind of funny that all this started right after I named my blog "who am I?". Almost like God knew I'd be asking that question, cause that's what I find myself asking. "What am I good for (or at)? What is my purpose (inside of bringing glory to God). Who am I and where am I going? What should I be doing right here?
I haven't answered these questions. But I do know God is the best counselor we could ask for. I do know I need to stop looking in the mirror and fix my eyes on Him. Stop doing nothing and be selfless and serve others by pointing them to Christ. And I know to not ever ever give up, it seems hopeless sometimes but I know God has got my back and is holding my heart and will lead me through this.
To be continued....
(You thought you got out of me saying "song time! For King & Country "fix my eyes"" didn't you? Well too bad I did ;P and if you didn't think of it because you don't know the song... Go listen to it right now you Jesus music uncultured swine! ;P)
Thanks for reading,
Zachary
-Zachary Y. Fuller
After my previous post ("I'm not perfect") you might think things got better... Nope. I let them get worse. I only got as far as giving up perfection, partially. I knew I couldn't have it so I just let the problems and the issues in the mirror fester, I buried them and pushed God away I mean I can't be perfect so why try?
"misssstake" -Kaa from the original Jungle Book (which in my opinion is better than the new version :P)
I didn't want to think cause when I thought it hurt. I didn't want to pray or do quiet time cause that would force me to think.
"misssstake"
I was (and still am) struggling with identity issues, I felt useless and talent-less I knew my identity was (and is) found in Christ but I had pushed Him away and even if I were to let Him back in, what identity would I even find? I got caught up in my problems and pushing God away magnified the ugly parts of the mirror and revealed some self righteous pride, impatience and selfishness.
Ever since I was little I've always had my own "agenda" I wanted to do what I wanted do and messing with my plan didn't go well (when I was younger ;P). So even now I still do that, I make my little plans and then pray that they will happen instead of asking God for the plan and following. I didn't want to admit I needed God to get through the day I wanted my faith to save me, rather than letting God work through me I wanted to work through God.
Since my hospital visit in June I've been waiting for things to go back to normal, but the person who started this past summer (and the months since) that version of normal, is gone. Not that I've really changed but a lot has happened and "normal" isn't going to be the same. It's time to give up wasting time and get serious about seeking God and put Him first and drop what doesn't matter (netflix, video games etc.) Song time! A song that's been on my mind and goes along with this really well - Casting Crowns "thrive" I've been surviving and it slowly dries you up, so it's time to thrive.
I know that that and that alone will solve my problems, yet the problems hold me back. I don't know why I keep letting them I don't want them to yet I still go back and forth, one moment I let God back in and feel better. Then next I'm right back where I started. Confusing right?
I don't know what comes next. I don't know where this path leads but I'm going to give my best to follow God (song time again! "I will follow" Vertical Church Band) even when I have no voice to sing.
It's kind of funny that all this started right after I named my blog "who am I?". Almost like God knew I'd be asking that question, cause that's what I find myself asking. "What am I good for (or at)? What is my purpose (inside of bringing glory to God). Who am I and where am I going? What should I be doing right here?
I haven't answered these questions. But I do know God is the best counselor we could ask for. I do know I need to stop looking in the mirror and fix my eyes on Him. Stop doing nothing and be selfless and serve others by pointing them to Christ. And I know to not ever ever give up, it seems hopeless sometimes but I know God has got my back and is holding my heart and will lead me through this.
To be continued....
(You thought you got out of me saying "song time! For King & Country "fix my eyes"" didn't you? Well too bad I did ;P and if you didn't think of it because you don't know the song... Go listen to it right now you Jesus music uncultured swine! ;P)
Thanks for reading,
Zachary
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