I've had quite the adventure the past few months. From a hospital visit in June to wisdom teeth removal to passing out and getting stitches and a scar and not finding my identity in Christ. Then throw in a new job (even though I like the job it's just something new and slightly stressful to get used to) I've been pretty messed up/busy right? It's been a really crazy time and the first time I've ever really been stressed out, so it's new a thing to me. In the last few weeks and really the last six months, my perfectionist self has tried (and failed) to fix myself. For the first time in my life being my optimistic happy self didn't cut it. I wasn't getting anywhere and even struggled a bit with depression and being completely unmotivated. I wondered why in spite of my best efforts I just simply couldn't get past it all. Why I couldn't change myself, I mean after all we're supposed to be perfect and never sin right? Wrong. The harder we sinful imperfect beings try, the more we fail. And upon seeing that my best efforts weren't doing anything at all, I stopped trying. And had a poorly (or maybe perfectly) timed sinus infection. I couldn't really think from the sinus infection and that made me feel even less like trying. Then came the depression. I was even more stuck now, it felt like joy and hope were memories and that my optimistic crazy personality had packed it's bags and wasn't coming back. I lost hope in any dreams I had or anything I aspired to be and settled in to watch netflix and escape the problems. Yet the problems waited and didn't go away. I wanted out but I couldn't see a way, I knew I needed to set my sights on heaven and put my hope in the promises of God, but I just couldn't, no matter what I tried. And then I found Psalms 40. (go read that then continue)
I knew He heard my cries for help and would answer. I was reminded of just how faithful God is, He is never failing, never changing and won't ever leave us or forsake us. He loves us more than we can imagine.
Then I heard this quote: "The gospel is this: We are more sinful and flawed in ourselves than we ever dared believe, yet at the very same time we are more loved and accepted in Jesus Christ than we ever dared hope." -Timothy Keller
I wanted to be perfect so that I could best serve God, I never ever wanted to fall. Ever since I first came to Christ needing to be saved from something I couldn't escape (a trial with pornography) I just wanted to be free from my sin. And anytime I fall with that or don't like something in the mirror I can't stand it and or I feel guilty or try to shut it out with whatever task is at hand or work or netflix. I'm afraid to fail, to fall, to sin, face something I can't get through or just push through with optimism. The answer isn't never having problems, not in simply surviving them, it's not in being perfect and it's definitely not in ourselves and how perfect or cool we are. Even as I write this I'm realizing it's not about us, or what we can't do (even if our intentions are good). It's not about the fall but about letting God pick us up. It does take effort on our part though, we have to be willing to be diligent and disciplined in seeking Him and that takes patience. LOTS and LOTS of it, our problems won't go away instantly but in time God works it out in us, if we let Him. I've by no means perfected this but I know this is how God works in us, if He wanted us to be perfect here and now He could make it so, He wants broken vessels that are human, to build trust in Him and best reach a lost and dying world. He loves us the way we are and never gives up on us, period.
"Not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency is from God" 2 Cor 3:5
"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Cor 12:9-10
At the end we'll be perfect and free from pain, at the end we'll see His face and be free in eternity. We were made for more than this broken world. We were made to be filled 110% by abiding and praising the God who created us. Perfection isn't what we are going for but this and only this, to love God for who He is and to seek His face that we could know Him more. So don't make my mistake of thinking you need to react, learn from and be out of trials instantly or otherwise your an imperfect failure. I've asked God so many times to change me and He is, but not on my timetable. Be patient and know that this, whatever this is, it's what God's plan included and what He has designed for us. This will end, this will take us deeper into Christ, this will build our trust in Him, this will never change the way God looks at us with His perfect love. (always have - vertical church band)
So take this chance to let God do His thing and trust Him, anytime it hurts pray. He listens. He's with you always, not just in presence but that He's got your back and cares so much.
"Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. But even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows."
Matt 10:29-31
Thanks for reading,
Zachary
I knew He heard my cries for help and would answer. I was reminded of just how faithful God is, He is never failing, never changing and won't ever leave us or forsake us. He loves us more than we can imagine.
Then I heard this quote: "The gospel is this: We are more sinful and flawed in ourselves than we ever dared believe, yet at the very same time we are more loved and accepted in Jesus Christ than we ever dared hope." -Timothy Keller
I wanted to be perfect so that I could best serve God, I never ever wanted to fall. Ever since I first came to Christ needing to be saved from something I couldn't escape (a trial with pornography) I just wanted to be free from my sin. And anytime I fall with that or don't like something in the mirror I can't stand it and or I feel guilty or try to shut it out with whatever task is at hand or work or netflix. I'm afraid to fail, to fall, to sin, face something I can't get through or just push through with optimism. The answer isn't never having problems, not in simply surviving them, it's not in being perfect and it's definitely not in ourselves and how perfect or cool we are. Even as I write this I'm realizing it's not about us, or what we can't do (even if our intentions are good). It's not about the fall but about letting God pick us up. It does take effort on our part though, we have to be willing to be diligent and disciplined in seeking Him and that takes patience. LOTS and LOTS of it, our problems won't go away instantly but in time God works it out in us, if we let Him. I've by no means perfected this but I know this is how God works in us, if He wanted us to be perfect here and now He could make it so, He wants broken vessels that are human, to build trust in Him and best reach a lost and dying world. He loves us the way we are and never gives up on us, period.
"Not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency is from God" 2 Cor 3:5
"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Cor 12:9-10
At the end we'll be perfect and free from pain, at the end we'll see His face and be free in eternity. We were made for more than this broken world. We were made to be filled 110% by abiding and praising the God who created us. Perfection isn't what we are going for but this and only this, to love God for who He is and to seek His face that we could know Him more. So don't make my mistake of thinking you need to react, learn from and be out of trials instantly or otherwise your an imperfect failure. I've asked God so many times to change me and He is, but not on my timetable. Be patient and know that this, whatever this is, it's what God's plan included and what He has designed for us. This will end, this will take us deeper into Christ, this will build our trust in Him, this will never change the way God looks at us with His perfect love. (always have - vertical church band)
So take this chance to let God do His thing and trust Him, anytime it hurts pray. He listens. He's with you always, not just in presence but that He's got your back and cares so much.
"Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. But even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows."
Matt 10:29-31
Thanks for reading,
Zachary
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